Best Jewish Holidays For Social Climbing
I’ve been Jewish for three decades and a social climber since the age of 8. With that experience, comes knowledge of which Jewish holidays are best for networking. According to a 2023 study conducted by the Public Religion Research Bureau, only 16% of Americans believe that religion “is the most important thing in their lives.” Ever an optimist, I think that interfaith leaders need to repackage religion as an avenue for ascending the ranks of the culture industry. Since I already mentioned, I am Jewish and can only speak for my own traditions and what not, I have compiled a guide on the best Jewish holidays for social climbing.
Here’s my list. As always, I’m open to very gentle constructive criticism.
Passover Seder
As illuminated by the Difficult People episode in which Billy Eichner and Julia Klausner go to Joey Soloway’s seder to further their flailing Hollywood careers, Passover is ripe with social climbing potential. I’d argue that this is the best Jewish holiday for social climbing because there’s a clear sense of structure and purpose (Seder means “order” in Hebrew).
Instead of trying and failing to strike up a conversation, you’re given a Haggadah which serves as an instruction manual for the evening. Also, you’re encouraged to drink which will loosen you (and the slightly more powerful person you’re trying to win over) up. Passover has a poignant theme of liberation so you can come to the evening with your own agenda — wax poetic about a cause you’re passionate about or try to liberate yourself from your own malaise by meeting as many powerful people as possible. There’s also a lot of potential for self-deprecating self-awareness in your social climbing (woah, Daniel please stop centering the self).
Since I’m feeling charitable (I’m writing this for free), I will walk you through a Seder scenario for making money moves:
You find the Afikomen (the hidden Matzah that guests search for at some point in the Seder).
You turn down the cash prize, but just blurt out something to the tune of “give me an internship! LOL!”
Everyone chuckles because you’re being so transparent about your motives. The culture industry is built on phoniness and deceit and here you are, just telling people what you want. How refreshing.
You get the internship. L’chaim!
Tu BiShvat
Yes, this is a deepcut. But if you want to use a Jewish holiday to social climb, this is a great option. Tu BiShvat is an annual celebration commemorating trees. Why is it absolutely amazing for social climbing? For literal reasons — you climb trees, duh — and for an intimate, tender chance to plant a seed with someone who you’re trying to befriend. Imagine this: you and a slightly more powerful person getting dirty in some sort of field, digging a hole and then dropping a seed that with love and care, shall become a thriving new life form. As this plant grows, you can regularly check-in with this slightly more powerful person, reminding them of the root of your bond and also checking in on why you befriended them in the first place. Once again, L’chaim!
Purim
I know this will probably offend someone who taught me Judaism at Jewish day school but I’ll just say it: Purim is Jewish Halloween. Sorry, it is what it is. I don’t make the rules. It’s a Jewish holiday centered around both overcoming oppression and dressing up in a ridiculous costume. And dressing up, as the Philip Rothian film Saltburn showed, is a chance to ascend the ranks. I actually don’t think Saltburn is Philip Rothian, that just felt like a funny thing to say.
Purim gives you a chance to peacock. Mystery, a creepy pickup artist who had this reality show about teaching losers how to seduce women, told his clients that to get attention at a crowded nightclub, they should wear something outrageous and over the top.
(Mystery “peacocking)
On Purim, you can either do the Mystery approach or the low key approach (dress up as something highly ironic like Edward Snowden or Slack). Either way, you’re making yourself available to conversation and on the same playing field as the slightly more powerful person because you’re both pretending to be someone else.
Yom Kippur
Upon first glance, Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, may not seem like a good holiday for social climbing. But let me tell you a little something about trauma bonding. When you’re fasting for a day and delving into your sins and insecurities and woes, you’re at your most vulnerable state. The thing is, that slightly more powerful person you’re trying to win over, is also in a very vulnerable state. As you spiral together in this malnourished, bordering on psychedelic haze, you can exchange tidbits of intimacy and drop casual references to your manuscript, pilot, startup investor deck, or elaborate performance art project that’s totally not ripping off Marina Abramović. At the end of services, once Adonai allows you to eat again, you can pull out a Cliff Bar from your discontinued zine tote bag and come to their rescue. Thank you, I was literally about to pass out! What’s your email?
Wait, what about Hanukkah?
I knew your mind was going there. Well, I honestly think Hanukkah is awful for social climbing. The pressure of bringing a gift is way too much (like what do you even get a slightly more powerful person? A chapbook they won’t ever read?). Also, latkes are really greasy. There’s a good chance that your Eckhaus Latta shirt will look like the Deepwater Horizon oil spill by the end of the evening. No swag = no social climbing.
Anyways, happy social climbing. Best of luck!