Some Thoughts About That Drooling Baby "Shot on iPhone" Billboard
If you’ve driven down the enchanting path that is Sunset Boulevard lately, you’ve likely have been confronted with that baby in the “Shot on iPhone” billboard. I didn’t read this Adweek article I am linking to but I’m assuming that these ads aim to demonstrate the high quality of iPhone cameras and try to make you, the prospective consumer, imagine a future in which your current or hypothetical baby will be photographed by an iPhone. Here’s a low quality photo of the billboard (shot by my iPhone 11 while my partner was driving):
My purpose on this planet is to be a father so I’m actually grateful to Apple for reminding me as such. However, I still think this ad is negatively impacting my emotional well-being. Sunset Boulevard is littered with billboards for reality TV shows, Ryan Murphy tax write offs, retinols, Netflix bullshit, and Prada. Looming a block and a half away from the Chateau Marmont, this iPhone ad offers a fleeting respite from gluttony and excess.
From the vantage point of the second floor of my gym, I can see the iPhone baby billboard staring at me from a window. Here’s another low quality photo:
Last week, as I was half-heartedly ping-ponging between weight-lifting equipment while listening to Ezra Klein advocating for Joe Biden to retire to the Irish Catholic equivalent of Boca Raton, I caught a glimpse of this baby’s glare and instantly knew I wasn’t giving this workout my all.
See, I’m not that good at the gym. I once booked a session with a personal trainer at LA Fitness who proceeded to tell me that I was an ectomorph and as such, would need specialized, highly tailored training to become Brad Pitt. I didn’t bring up Brad Pitt; I actually just told her that I wanted to workout for “mental health reasons” and “fun.” I’m really naive. I didn’t know that a complimentary personal training session at a gym means that your body suddenly becomes a cheap Las Vegas timeshare. She made me jump up and down and then spin around in circles and used my subsequent dizziness as evidence that I needed to sign up for $600 worth of personal training sessions to become Brad Pitt. Oh, also, she asked if I had body dysmorphia because I was donning a hoodie that I didn’t want to take off (I wasn’t wearing a shirt underneath). Now, at this new gym, I’m trying to evolve and grow up. But I can’t. I’m still stuck. I still hear that personal trainer hissing, diagnosing me as an “ectomorph,” questioning whether I truly can become Brad Pitt. Infantilizing me; treating me like well, a drooling baby. When I look at this iPhone ad, I think about all that.
This is probably where I should pause to advertise BetterHelp.
I don’t know too much about the ethics of baby influencers and I’m sure Apple paid this baby’s parents the big bucks. But what if I’m not the only person in this city who is finding these babies triggering? Is it the baby themselves or the simple fact that maybe we shouldn’t be confronted with this HD image? Do we really need the power to photograph every little molecule of drool? Why does this feel so haunting and ominous?
Okay, imagine me puffing a cigarette while sitting poolside in the Chateau Marmont after chugging two vodka martinis: Apple ad campaigns, like the Sunset Boulevard starlets of yesteryear, aren’t built to last forever. In two months, another billboard will replace this and I will still be kind of okay.
Xoxo
Daniel